Dying Over It

Since everyone seems to be obsessing about how bad stress is for you these days – I’m pretty sure, by the way, I never heard Ma, Pa, or even Half-Pint say they were “stressed” on Little House, but, whatever – I decided to really jump on the stress management bandwagon in 2012.  The truth is, I was okay with stress being bad for me until I heard it made people fat and that was the deal breaker. I started running through the list of traditional stress relief activities in my brain and frankly, that made me a little stressed.  Yoga’s totally out of the question.  I know everyone who does yoga has an amazing body and that it instantly gives you a life-lengthening zen outlook…     Read on

Do you know that show “My Strange Addiction” on TLC??  Holy shit.  It’s amazing.  If you’ve never seen it, I’m not kidding, you must add it to your TiVo list – stat.  Once I saw an episode where the death of this woman’s mother was so traumatizing, she became addicted to eating dry wall.  They showed her tasting selections of her living room wall…apparently, she ate like 3 lbs. a month.  At her best friend’s urging, she went to the doctor who told her – I hope you’re sitting – eating dry wall was, in fact, really bad for her.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you she was shocked.  Happily, she vowed to try and quit for her young daughter’s sake.  Feel better…     Read on

I hate “Yes” people.  They suck.  The funniest thing is that people always love these spineless sycophants – they’re everywhere.  Haven’t we realized by now that they are all either: a) too lazy to tell you the truth and deal with the possible consequences of your anger or b) actually evil, and are working to increase the likelihood bad things will happen to you. It’s like, hey “Yes” friend… Do you think I should wear this skin tight Alaia mico-mini-band-aid dress even though the backs of my thighs have so much cellulite you could store loose change in their cottage cheese pockets?  “Yes” friend says…What are you crazy?!?? Yes – you should totally wear it!!  People say Naomi Campbell looks great in Alaia?!? Whatever… you…     Read on

Let’s say I’ve been around the block….didn’t just fall of a turnip truck….this ain’t my first Rodeo – I’m assuming you get the point.  That’s why I am in actual toxic shock about what I’m about to say.  This shit works.  Again, I can’t believe this is coming out of my mouth (keyboard).  The good news is that I’m not the only one saying it so the whole safety in numbers thing applies nicely. I don’t really remember how this product appeared on my personal radar but once it did, I began to see press about it everywhere.  I scoured the internet (see what I do for you people?) for articles, customers…anyone who said it didn’t work and apart from those freaks who never have…     Read on

Baby whale maybe. I’m not joking.  Why the hell did someone put New Year’s right after all these food-centric holidays?!!?? It’s 32 days from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day.  That’s how long we (ok, me) have been eating 8 million tons of crap that would never pass these glossy lips any other time of the year. All, by the way, in what I consider the very worthy name of celebrating family, friends and world religion.   I feel like a saint who has been made a martyr by the Gastro Gods… Who are these puppet masters who have forced me to usher in 2012 cloaked in nothing but my ever stretchy wardrobe of athleisure-wear?  I think Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Barnes and Noble (have you…     Read on

Their progeny would be the J Brand “Power Stretch” Denim Legging. Now, I just feel like a jerk.  This brings me right back to the time I “invented” the heated ice cream scooper – only to find out it already existed.  So, just for the record, that scooper was my idea (cold comfort). Fabulous.  Once again, someone has beaten me to the punch.  This time it’s none other than J Brand with their Power Stretch denim leggings that suck in all your tricks and treats, making even the most cottage cheesy thighs look smooth and thin.  Infamy has once again eluded me…. Back to the point… at first glance, you could easily mistake these little lifesavers for a “normal” pair of skinny jean – a…     Read on

If you didn’t get what you wanted this year from Santa this year (thanks a lot, fatty), I say, go get your jollies for yourself. My Holiday happiness this year is coming in the form of a phat watch.  Two words : Rolex Milgauss. As if this watch wasn’t cool enough already, for its anniversary Rolex has given us the Limited Anniversary Milgauss with a tinted green crystal.  Hello fabulous!!! Hey, I deserve it – I work hard and at only about 6 grand, I say it’s a bargain.  Most importantly, it’s hands down the coolest watch out there. If you feel like getting one for me, just let me know before I go out and get it for myself. I’m still going to be…     Read on

Yeah, like the Godfather.  This pretty much sums up my attitude for 2011. So, what better way to let people know you want this level of ass-kissing than a big f**k-off Mafia Don ring on your pinky?  I can’t think of one. My need for instant gratification, therefore, led me directly to my favorite local pawn shop – Jerry’s on Piedmont.  Genius.  If you have never been to a pawn shop, I suggest you hit one soon.  Mine (ok, I’ve been there twice) is a goldmine.  After wading through some old eight track players and marquis cut diamelles, I found some very strong contenders that I could easily picture adorning the digits of any respectable mob boss.  I wasn’t quite ready to pull the trigger,…     Read on

I have no full length mirrors in my house. I know, strange for someone who dresses people for a living…. The reason for this glaring omission in my home decorating is that I have a policy to neeeever to look at my rear view.  My philosophy is that if I look good from the front – i.e., to me – that’s really all I care about.  At least that’s the way I see it.  Or saw it. Unfortunately, some recent weight gain combined with a passing (and earth shattering) glimpse at my posterior while holiday shopping, led me to the conclusion this was a mistake.  I couldn’t answer why the Gods had cursed me in this way.  However, I could endeavor to find a solution….     Read on

You almost lost me last Sunday.  It’s taken me until today just to be able to talk about it. It started innocently enough.  I stopped by a party celebrating the second anniversary of my favorite local beauty emporium, Woo, and was in full, “Jolene” mode when I was introduced to amazonian beauty, Lisa Witzlib.  We started chatting and Lisa told me she had just opened a fitness studio, aptly named Witzlib Fitness, (rolls off the tongue, no?) that featured the ass-kicking-fitness-craze-du-jour, TRX. After totally faking that I had any idea what TRX was, I agreed to come to her studio for a “beginner” class. You can see where this is going. I showed up the required half an hour early, as per her instructions, and…     Read on