Baby whale maybe.
I’m not joking. Why the hell did someone put New Year’s right after all these food-centric holidays?!!??
It’s 32 days from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day. That’s how long we (ok, me) have been eating 8 million tons of crap that would never pass these glossy lips any other time of the year. All, by the way, in what I consider the very worthy name of celebrating family, friends and world religion. I feel like a saint who has been made a martyr by the Gastro Gods…
Who are these puppet masters who have forced me to usher in 2012 cloaked in nothing but my ever stretchy wardrobe of athleisure-wear? I think Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Barnes and Noble (have you seen that huge table in the front of the store covered in diet books?!?), Bally’s, LA Fitness, QuickTrim – led by the Kardashians (does anybody trust that Kim after her sham of a wedding?) and the people who sell mirrors pooled their resources to bribe Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest and the people who make calendars to make what should be a period of personal celebration for the incredible progress we have made in the past year into yet another opportunity to make us think we suck because we got so f***ing fat over the holidays! Attacking that innocent little Baby New Year…does greed know no bounds?
Since there is no way to turn back the clock, I must confront the truth. I am porky and sadly, only human. My stomach looks like two ass cheeks hanging over the top of my jeans and I can’t handle it anymore. So yes, I will (re)start Weight Watchers, join a gym and buy all the diet and exercise books I can get my hands on… all the while, padding the salaries of those conspiring fat cats who probably sit laughing in their ivory towers as I struggle to eradicate the effects of all the Thanksgiving stuffing and Christmas cookies I ate. However, will I rush to my local CVS for the newest turbo-charged QuickTrim product endorsed by the Kardashians? Actually, no. Who buys diet pills endorsed by fat chicks?
Going forward I will look to these wise words to steel my resolve – which will soon be featured on the needlepoint pillow I am working on – “One time, shame on you. Two times, shame on me.” And, with that little pillow clutched to my bosom I will, one day, smugly sashay my way into the new year – greeted by the most beautiful of baby new years…toned and sylphlike. My own little future couture client…
Remember, its not over till that fat lady sings baby!!!