I have zero problem with plastic surgery. Zero. Less than zero. You wanna get your nose de-hooked?? Cool. You wanna get your ass fat put into your face, or your face fat put into your ass? I’m down with that. With pretty much no prompting, I’ll tell you that my face looks like a skating rink because I have been getting Botox since I was 25. My dermatologist could probably convince me to be injected with diluted ear wax harvested from the children of Okinawa (hello, it’s a Blue Zone) if he told me it would minimize my marionette lines. In short, God bless the fine folks in the medical field for their dedication to pumping the brakes on my facial freight train as it races towards resembling an old piece of luggage.
Yes, I’ve made it clear, I’m what’s called an “early adopter” (gung-ho guinea pig) when it comes to any and all of the new shit you can try – skincare, injectables, electrocution, lasers, sharks with lasers – to help a gal hold onto that blossom of youth…like grim death 🙂
So, in that same skin-deep spirit, I was recently in the midst of a deep-dive on my laptop into all the incarnations of this face workout craze that has popped up as of late – (FaceGym in London, SkinFit in LA, the umpteen You-Tuber Face Yoga Advocates) when this crazy-ass old school facial wonder workout thing came across my screen. I am referring, of course, to the Facial-Flex. Intriguing. Could there be anything to it? Had I found the facial OG for the new (old) me?
I immediately ordered one – it was about $100 – and let me tell you, it wasn’t that easy. This product doesn’t have what I would call extensive distribution in the US (or anywhere else for that matter). So…the deal with the Facial-Flex, is that you have to use this kind of mouth pilates apparatus for 2 minutes 2 times a day, with the Facial-Flex’s “resistance” (provided by small rubber bands) increasing as your facial strength does. Hmmm…2 minutes 2 times a day sounded do-able and markedly more practical for my purse. So, you know what? Knee deep in a sea of those little rubber bands (you have to change them out every few days) I did that 2 minutes 2 times a day. I fervently flexed my face for a few weeks – they say you will see the beginning of the Benjamin Button process in about 8. And you know what? By the way, let me warn you…you look like some kind of alien praying mantis when using this thing, so, I would plan for some personal space while workin’-it. Back to the point, you know what? Unless I am on mild to moderate hallucinogenics (which is always possible) or I am overly optimistic (which is not really possible at all) – I swear, I think it works.
This may sound crazy and you may think I’m writing this article from my room at Trembling Hills but, as of today, I can assure you with some certainty, that is not the case. Convinced I was imagining the recognizable rise in my previously depressing droop, I felt the need to make a call to my amaaaaaaaaaazing Plastic Surgeon, Dr. Scott Wells – the undisputed Baryshnikov of Botox. After I described my discovery and asked for his thoughts, he postured a compelling question. How could an apparatus that stimulates and strengthens your facial musculature work to effect a more youthful appearance when Botox – the best thing ever invented (my words) – with definitive dependability effects a more youthful appearance by doing the exact opposite? Ok…shit. That shut me up in my tracks.
So fine – I’m not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, however, there is something to the Facial-Flex and by extension, possibly to the whole face workout wave. My face looks legitimately higher and tighter…much like Beyoncé’s butt after a serious amount of squats.
At the end of the day, will I stop darkening the door of Dr. Wells’s office? No way. However, I will still passionately persevere in putting aside 4 minutes a day for my Facial-Flex.
Far be it for me to look this little luddite gift horse in the mouth….I owe it to the world to keep this money-maker in fighting form 🙂